Conspiracy

We don't believe in you-know-who
But we don't let the kids know it
We're parents, we're grown-ups
There's a line, we have to toe it

But we're all part of a conspiracy
About this bearded big-fat guy
Who isn't real, who never lived
Who's old but doesn't die

We took them to the department store
We went out on that limb
We told the kids it was you-know who
We said that bum was him

Then we set them on his knee
(To me the knee seemed bony)
Happily they sat there though
Chatting to that phony

Told the kids we could provide proof
(Deceit! Oh how I hate it)
Put out the milk and cookies
I confess I drank and ate it

Then there's that fib about the North Pole
As if any elves could live there
We helped write and send that letter
Knowing full well it went nowhere

You-know-who comes down the chimney
How could such a fat man fit?
The whole thing is preposterous
Yet we get children to buy it

We have no shame, the lies pile up
You think at least we'd balk
When singing about red-nose reindeer
And snowman that can dance and talk

Well, it's just a harmless tale
A bit of Christmas fun
Sort of like that other tale
The one about God's son?

Where angels speak to shepherds
And wise-men troop after a star
And a virgin has a baby!
That's fetched pretty far

But we adults buy that conspiracy
We toe and swallow that old line
Disappearing milk and cookies?
How about that bread and wine?

It's enough to make you wonder
It's enough to give you pause
Maybe it's just as important
Kids believe in...
You-know-who

--Loudon Wainright III