Pointy Breasts From Beyond The Outer Limits!

It's been a long time since I had a genuine pointy-breast post--something I think we can all agree this blog is the lesser for--and I found a pair where I least expected them. I never watched the original "Outer Limits" series, but with the new digital signals, we get the THIStv channel which shows an assortment of old movies and TV shows--including "The Outer Limits".

So I set the ol' MythTV to record them and finally got around to watching an episode called "ZZZZZ", which is the story of a queen bee who takes human form. This, naturally being a draining transformation, causes her to swoon on the lawn of a bee scientist.

And behold:
And behold again. Rebehold? Er, behold twice?

It was a strange episode. Or, I don't know, maybe it was completely characteristic of the show. Having only seen one episode, I cannot say. (I did watch the '90s series, though, on Showtime, and liked it.)

It was also kind of cool that the actress, Joanna Frank, was someone I had seen before, in the much later series "L.A. Law". As it turns out, she's TV mogul Steven Bochco's sister, and was actually married to Alan Rachins, whose wife (then, ex-wife, I believe) she played on that show!

She did a good job as the weird bug-person, and also had a slightly unusual beauty that suited the role.

Here's a picture of her about to enjoy some pollen. (I'm not good at screen-caps yet, but these turned out pretty well!)

I shall view more "Outer Limits" in the hopes of finding more specimens of mammaris conniculus. Note that the above are from '64 or '65, and so are the latest of that era we've yet found!

Happy Belated Birthday, Carroll Baker

I'm over a month late on this, but Carroll Baker turned 78 last month, and I wanted to note this momentous occasion. Baker was a sex symbol back in the '50s, making an Oscar-nominated splash as the eponymous Baby Doll, and having a respectable career into the mid-'60s. Then she went off to Europe and did a bunch of Giallo films before returning to America in the '80s and '90s to do a whole bunch more parts.

A working actress, in other words. Our favorite kind here at the 'strom.

Astonishingly, though despite vamping her way through the height of the pointy-breast era, I couldn't find a single picture of her in a torpedo bra. In fact in a world of Monroe rip-offs, Baker was a modest, marvelous B-Cup.

Well, what do you think?
Not bad, eh? Elisha Cuthbert bears a superficial resemblance, but we'll see how Cuthbert's doing in 2060. Er, well, those of us still alive, anyway.

You Were Saying?

Quoth commenter Knox in the "Core Muscles" post:

Eventually there will be a "look" and then a "procedure" for every square inch of the body.

Reconstructive taint surgery can't be far behind, can it?

Palette Cleanser: A Totally Sexist and Inappropriate Objectification of a Woman Who, Through Sheer Genetic Chance

...or perhaps surgery, is rather more well-endowed than most.

Yes, that's what my doctor looked like, except she had a way better butt. (Also, she was middle-eastern.)

Again, though, it's her medical advice I'm following. So, maybe Denise Richards as a nuclear physicist isn't conpletely absurd. Well, someone who looks like her, anyway.

Two Can Play At That Game, Darcysport

Darcy has shamelessly posted a cheesecake shot on her blog, in the guise of, you know, being about tennis.

Ha, ha, we all have a few laughs, Darcy gets a few hits, and no harm done, right?

Except that in doing so, she completely misses the most important tennis story of the season. Possibly, the most important tennis story of our time. Seems that young Simona Halep, as well as being endowed with impressive tennis skills has also been over-endowed in some departments.
OK, seriously, normally I'm against any sort of surgical breast changes. I don't like implants, generally. I mean, if you're a pro, they might be a prudent investment. (I'm told they can be worth $5K a week for strippers.) But aesthetically, they seem to lose their appeal the closer you get.

I also don't like reductions. I could be wrong, but I think the complaints that women have (back pain) could usually be resolved by losing a little weight or exercising the torso a little more. Also it seems like a kind of horrible thing, arbitrarily removing parts of the body. (I feel that way about appendix operations, too, so, you know: Just crazy ol' Blake again.)

But in this case, neither of those would seem to be plausible: She's obviously in top notch shape, and those things actually cause drag when she's running across the court. So, good luck and God bless.

And the ball is in your court now, Ms. Sport.

(h/t Protein Wisdom)

Fan Service

I asked, Trooper York answered. What this blog needs, apparently, is more pointy breasts. For those who don't know, by sheer whimsy, the Bit Maelstrom ended up #3 on a search for "pointy breasts" in Google. (Below womenanswers.com and above the urban dictionary.) And for most of 2008, visitors came to this site looking for cheesecake. Since I've not posted any real breasts since November, we've slipped a bit, and are now drooping at #13.

I've nothing against breasts, mind you; I've developed no aversion to the fairer sex. It's just a matter of integrity. Or something. I just haven't been watching the right sorts of '50s movies to provide examples. And now that Troop has his own blog, I feel a little like a pretender before his cheesecake-posting grandeur.

Nonetheless, since he made the request, I submit for your approval, one Kim Novak.

More perky than pointy, really.

I love Novak because at 21, she played opposite a 36-year-old William Holden (Picnic), and a 25 she played opposite a 50-year-old Jimmy Stewart (twice, once in Vertigo and once in Bell, Book and Candle), and did it with a gravitas that made it all seem plausible and not creepy.

Scarlett? Natalie? Either Jessica? Lovely and fine though they are, could they carry a Vertigo? Even with broad-shouldered help from a Stewart or Holden? I don't think so.

Janet Leigh-Palooza.

There's some fascinating stuff about having a blog, but one big factor is the randomity of it. If you're casually blogging (as I am) and having a low-traffic blog (as I do), your traffic can reflect sudden dramatic changes that are...unexpected.

Like, I get a bunch of hits on "barbarian sex" and "cowboy sex", which just makes me feel guilty. Last week, I got a swarm of Alex Lotorto hits. (Thanks, Alex! And thanks to Andy Levy for tweeting that awesome video.)

Yesterday? All of a sudden, everyone's mad about Janet Leigh! Weird.

Well, give the people what they want, I always say. (I also say, "No one will vote for a flattend-out rabbit skin" but that's another story.)

The Cat

Troop has a bit up about the late Earth Kitt who I would tend to agree was the least sexy of the "Catwoman" actresses, as long as she wasn't singing. (All bets are off for women who can sing, at least for me.)

Julie Newmar blows me away every time, though. In this "then and now" photo, the "now" is within the last year. She would be about 75.

Newmar, of course, got her start playing "Stupefyin' Jones" in the bizarre musical adapation of "Li'l Abner". Stupefyin' Jones was so beautiful she turned men to stone. Newmar is entirely plausible in that role.

Dueling Lasses

Troop's been letting his freak fly now that he can embed pics into his blog and riffed off of something I said at Althouse to post a picture of Dana Delaney as head of the newly minted Department of Discipline.

Now, I like Dana Delaney. I think Dana Delaney is delicious. I watched "China Beach" until I got tired of watching her sulk all the time. It took several seasons. Except for her performance in the otherwise flawless Tombstone, I have nothing bad to say about her.

But if we're talking Irish lasses, Delaney had a co-star on that show, a young lady who had also appeared on "Hill Street Blues", and whom I've always preferred. So, take this, Trooper York:

Megan Gallagher! She also had a chance to strut her soulful-stuff on the short-lived series Millennium. Someone needs to put these Irish women in things where they're actually allowed to smile....

The New Bond Girls: Pointy and Rounded

We're #1! The Maelstrom is now #1 in Google if you search for "pointy breasts"! And they said I'd never amount to anything.

Eva Green (left, and below depending on how you've got your browser scaled) played Vesper in Casino Royale, with the retro breast shape that made this blog famous!

Still, Olga Kurylenko (right) is all kinds of cute in Quantum of Solace.

Bond actually manages a sort-of platonic relationship with Olga in Solace.

Lizabeth Scott: Vampire Killer

I haven't done the pointy breast thing in a while--I doubt very much I'll ever pass the more serious results in the Google cache. I mean, come on, "WomensAnswers.Org" and "answers.yahoo.com". I really shouldn't be at the top of the list. People are apparently concerned about the shape of breasts and it's bad to offer them snark and titillation rather when they're in need of real information.

Nooooooooow, having said that, Hector "Rain In The Doorway" linked to an actress who has to be included, even if our only goal is to be taken as third-grade snark.

Film noir actress Lizabeth Scott!

I've never seen any of her pictures, sad to say, though some look pretty good, and a few others look interesting, if not exactly good. (She co-starred with Heston in Dark City and with Martin and Lewis in Scared Stiff.)

But come on. She looks like she could kill two vampires at once if she angled herself properly.

That blouse, by the way, is exactly the sort of thing I was talking about when I first broached this subject. Ms. Scott is covered from the next to the wrists and all the way down, yet for all the dress leaves to the imagination, she might as well be naked.

Something about that combination of repression and naughtiness that's quintessentially '50s.

So, all hail Lizabeth Scott, who celebrated her 86th birthday back in September.

"This cat knows something!"

So says Robert Montgomery in Mr. & Mrs. Smith--the 1941 Hitchcock screwball comedy, not the weird Pitt/Jolie action comedy of 2005.

The woman completing this pair was Carole Lombard, after whom Frances Lillian Mary Ridste had styled herself upon arriving in Tinseltown (to my perpetual confusion half-a-century later). And like Landis, Carole Lombard died far too young, though in an airplane crash.

Behind the lens we have a young(ish) Alfred Hitchcock, shooting his only corpse-free comedy. In this case, the shallow Montgomery and the bat-sheet Lombard discover that they're not married, despite three years of great make-up sex. (For reasons that aren't exactly clear, Montgomery hides the info from his wife, and Lombard gets ticked, apparently because he wants to have his way with her even though they're not legally married.)

Lombard--who really does come across like a screwball--decides she doesn't want him back and ends up with his business partner, the bland, staid Gene Raymond.

This is really a cute movie with some good laughs that are a little too far apart to make this a really good comedy 65 years later. In other words, it might have been a lot funnier when released, but a lot of the sexual innuendo is nearly imperceptible to our coarsened sensibilities. Still, we all laughed at points, even The Boy.

I liked the early scene where they're having dinner at a place that has become a dive in the three years since they've been there and Montgomery is trying to get a cat (that's sitting on the table!) to test the soup to see if it's safe to eat. (Hence the quote.)

And since it's been a while...some breasts!


Lombard is of course pre-pointy-breast era. She's the right age to be a flapper but I don't think she did the flapper thing in the movies.

Had she lived, though, I'm sure we'd have seen her in a torpedo-shaped brassiere alongside of the other greats of the '50s.

"I'd better sign in and get a receipt."

Janet Leigh night on TCM.

This blog's patron saint. Touch of Evil was followed by Psycho.

We all go a little mad sometimes.

Heartbreaker

As all regular maelstrom "readers" know, this site is primarily a porn site full of pointy breasted babes, if only you know the secret password to access the XXX super-secret celebrity video area.

Today's entry in search-engine baiting is the incomparable Adrienne Barbeau. The incomparable Ms. Barbeau was something of a paradox: She had (has!) large breasts; she also had (has!) a brain!

At a time when busty meant bimbo, AB played credibly smart, tough women who could be fiercely aggressive when needed, but always with a feminine edge. A proto-Sigourney Weaver, if you like. A woman who actually gave birth to twins in her 50s.

Her most recent high-profile role was in the too-soon-canceled HBO series Carnivalé. Like some other great actresses (Helen Mirren, Judy Dench), she demonstrated that sexiness was not strictly the province of the young, even while she in no ways looks to have had any sort of surgery.

They're not pointy. But they are fabulous.

Bit Maelstrom's Greatest Hit?

Far-and-away the #1 hit I get on this blog is for this image of Faith Domergue.

Yeah, that's right, not even for the entry, just for the picture. Probably 10-20% of the people who hit this blog hit it through a Google Image search...for what? Pointy breasts, I imagine, though the link tells me nothing.

The equally obscure Gloria Grahame is probably #2.

I just got a hit on Janet Leigh, who (as queen of the anointed pointed) really should be tops, just given her relative fame. But Faith, for whatever reason, comes up earlier in the image search, and so has rocketed ahead of the plucky, perky Leigh.

Jane Russell shows up fairly often, because search engines don't get irony. I don't believe I've ever gotten a hit on Lauren Bacall, but probably because she's such a legend a zillion sites come up ahead of mine.

I've gotten a couple on Clare Grant, who doesn't appear on a pointy breasted search, but more often than Edy Williams. The two Lindsays come up hardly at at all, even less than my beloved, neglected Carole Landis. The buxom pixie Audrey Tatou gets nary a hit.

It all adds up to me staying up too late on a Saturday night/Sunday morning. (You should know that I'm not exaggerating however. My last ten hits were four for faith, and one each for Jane and Janet, and the four remaining were: Greta Gerwig, mentioned in my Baghead review, my review of Cinematic Titanic's Oozing Skull, Tiffany Shepis in Tooth and Nail, and a link from a blogger thing that allows you to see who's changed their blogs recently.

Astounding.

Not The Lindsay Wagner You're Looking For

In my post conflating racial equality with fashion embarrassment, I mentioned that Valerie Harper and Lindsay Wagner were among the rare few to survive '70s styles more-or-less unscathed. (Trooper York chimed in that the "Rhoda" look was making a comeback, with the headscarves and the like.)

But I started getting hits on "Lindsay Wagner", which seemed sort of like a cool change, now that I've been on the front page of the "pointy breasts" search in Google for so many months. "Maybe," I thought, "we'll get a higher class of perv around this dump."

But I suspect that the recent hits were not for '70s fashion maven and all around classy 60-year-old former bionic woman:

but in fact, for oh-my-god-she-was-born-the-year-"Die Hard"-came-out, Playboy Playmate Lindsay Wagner:

So the search for relevance and class goes on, in all the wrong places.

Classic Cleavage?

Victoria at Sundries posts a picture of Lauren Bacall I will not reproduce here, in a post titled "What Were They Thinking?"

It's not that she doesn't have a point, it's just that that is not Lauren Bacall. This is Lauren Bacall.

(Are those...pointy?) Ms. Bacall made her impossibly beautiful debut in To Have and Have Not and hooked up with Mr. Bogart, to the ire of Howard Hawks, at the age of 17. (People will watch Cyborg 2 for the 17-year-old Angelina Jolie decades from now...or something.)

Thing is--and don't hate me for saying it--Bacall aged rapidly. I attribute that to the smoking, but if you watch her first few movies, she ages like she's trying to catch up with Bogey. Of course, at some level, that's sort of modern-puritanism talking: There could be lots of reasons for her to have aged rapidly. (And I'm not one to talk, I look about 112, and I don't smoke or drink, etc.)

In fact, in Edward Bianchi's 1981 disappointing film debut, The Fan, I thought she looked absolutely horrible. Setting aside that difference between 17 and 57, she's actually gotten better looking since then. Although now, of course, there's the difference between 57 and almost 87. (Bianchi, by the way, would come into his own 20 years later directing episodes of "Deadwood" and "The Wire".)

I've wondered, lately, if part of the reason exquisite beauty like Bacall's is so moving is because it's so fragile.

Return of the Pointy Breasts

Given that the #1 source of hits on this site persist in being the pictures of Faith Domergue and Janet Leigh--poor Carole Landis can't get no love--and the phrase "pointy breasts" or "pointed breasts", I thought I would continue into this fascinating anthropological phenomenon.

Submitted for your approval: Clare Grant

Clare Grant is a relatively little known actress whose website pictures focus on her beautiful and haunting eyes. You can see a particularly breathtaking shot at this photographer's site which hints at...well, the conical glands that are the focus of so much internet interest.

But we don't have to guess (and a Google image with safe-search off will reveal) because the lovely Ms. Grant appears more or less starkers in the second season "Masters of Horror" episode, "Valerie on the Stairs". (You can find those pix on the web if you're so inclined as well.)

One of the things the MoH series does well is bring back that kind-of-erotic-but-mostly-creepy nudity that made VCRs so popular in the '80s. Ms. Grant's loveliness is contrasted with her demon-sex-scenes in the Clive Barker tale of writers' imaginations gone amok. It's an okay episode of the generally less interesting second season, but it's made infinitely more watchable by this young actress.

EDIT: Shortly before I posted this, someone actually did surf here for the Carole Landis picture! But Leigh and Domergue are battling out for the majority of the hits. (I refuse to make the obvious rhyme here.)

Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

Apparently, my reference to Kitten Natividad in the last post stirred some, er, memories for Trooper. I defer to his expertise regarding her entree into the world of non-simulated video-recorded adult sexual activities, but I still say that one's 40s--much less one's 50s is a bit late to get started. To quote Knocked Up, "You're too old--not for the Earth, but for this club."

However, in my youth, Russ Meyer films were a popular item on ON-TV, and my fragile little mind was disturbed by such classics as Cherry, Harry and Racquel and Beneath the Valley of the Ultravixens. (The former is the sort of movie prohibited during the Reagan years because of its mixing of sex and violence, and the latter is a bizarre little comedy which may be the only film in history where, if you weighed all the breasts, it would be greater than the weight of the entire cast, men included, without breast weight. Does that make sense?)

I tend to think it's a sad state when an actress, no matter how exploitative her career was, ends up in porn to pay the bills or out of desperation for attention.

Natividad was an early adventure in breast augmentation procedure: She had silicone injected directly into her breasts. This demonstrates two things: 1) a loose fluid of the right viscosity is far superior to bags of goo; 2) people are nuts. It's entirely possible that her double-mastectomy from breast cancer in 1999 was unrelated to this silicone injection, of course. But, wow! I think you even had to do it repeatedly because the body would absorb the silicone after awhile, but I'm not sure if I'm just confusing it with the lip injections they do these days.

If memory serves, Kitten Natividad was interviewed in Jewel Shepherd's "Invasion of the B-Movie Girls". In it, she tells a story of a producer demanding sex for a job while she was interviewing for a part in his office. They haggled, and she ended up manually relieving the agent in question. She then cupped her hand and headed to the lobby. When the producer asked where she was going, she said, "I'm going to give my agent his 10%."

Interesting if true.

Busty--er, busy

I've been too busy to post here much this week, but I thought we could extend our "pointy breast" studies with the anomalous Edy Williams.

Edy turned 18 in 1960, which is at the tail end of the pointy breast era. In fact, I stumbled across this picture by sheer accident, but I remembered her from such classic films as--well, a bunch of movies she wasn't in because I had mixed her up with someone else.

She was in Russ Meyer's Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls, though, which Siskel & Ebert named as one of the 10 best of the year. (Ebert wrote the script.) She was married to Russ for five years.

Anyway, most of the pix of her show quite clearly that she doesn't have pointy breasts at all, but you wouldn't know that looking at the bikini shot here. I don't know the precise date of this shot, but it would have to be at the tail-end of the pointy breast phenomenon.

Edy never really made it big in Hollywood, despite her enormous talents, and she went from a TV regular in her youth to novelty nudie in the '80s and '90s. IMDB lists her last film as being a porn in 1995. (A little advice from Kitten Natividad: Porn isn't really a good career choice at 53, no matter how good looking you were at 23.)