In Which I Defy The Unending Demands of Pointy Breasts

Seriously. Guys. It was just a lark. I was watching Touch of Evil one night and noticing that Janet Leigh could poke someone's eye out. Now I'm #3 on Google for "pointy breasts". And probably half the hits I get come from someone looking for pointy breasts.

Enough! Here:
That, of course, is the lovely Jane Russell, who was so well-endowed, her breasts were an actual barrier to Howard Hughes' flawed Western The Outlaw being released. (Oh, the MPAA had some "technical" reasons. But I guarantee they wouldn't have been as pronounced had Hughes used Lauren Bacall for the part.)

Large breasts really can't be very pointy. Ms. Russell had a bra engineered for her to, heh, enhance her bustline for The Outlaw. Apparently they never used it. (Why gild the mammary, eh, what?)

This is SURE to stop me from getting pointy breast hits! I just know it!

Fan Service

I asked, Trooper York answered. What this blog needs, apparently, is more pointy breasts. For those who don't know, by sheer whimsy, the Bit Maelstrom ended up #3 on a search for "pointy breasts" in Google. (Below womenanswers.com and above the urban dictionary.) And for most of 2008, visitors came to this site looking for cheesecake. Since I've not posted any real breasts since November, we've slipped a bit, and are now drooping at #13.

I've nothing against breasts, mind you; I've developed no aversion to the fairer sex. It's just a matter of integrity. Or something. I just haven't been watching the right sorts of '50s movies to provide examples. And now that Troop has his own blog, I feel a little like a pretender before his cheesecake-posting grandeur.

Nonetheless, since he made the request, I submit for your approval, one Kim Novak.

More perky than pointy, really.

I love Novak because at 21, she played opposite a 36-year-old William Holden (Picnic), and a 25 she played opposite a 50-year-old Jimmy Stewart (twice, once in Vertigo and once in Bell, Book and Candle), and did it with a gravitas that made it all seem plausible and not creepy.

Scarlett? Natalie? Either Jessica? Lovely and fine though they are, could they carry a Vertigo? Even with broad-shouldered help from a Stewart or Holden? I don't think so.

Queen of the Pointy Breasts?

It's not a new observation that women's breast shapes seem to have mysteriously changed over time. OK, it's not that mysterious in this day of the breast-augmentation-as-prom-gift, but there's a distinct evolution between the '40s and the early '80s (before implants became like hair dye). It seems odd that the female mammary gland went from torpedo-shaped to the more rounded '80s model.

But I digress. Touch of Evil is on cable and features the Queen of the Pointy Breasts.
That's right: The late, lovely Janet Leigh. There's something almost satirical about the way breasts were presented in the '50s. In day-to-day clothing covered completely (by turtlenecks, no less) and yet absolutely defiant, threatening to burst out like siamese xenomorphs from John Hurt's chest.

It as if distance from the spine were the measure of breasts' worthiness. Less weird, though, than today's obsession with bolt-ons. Generic bigness now being more important than scars and strange, unnatural dynamics, apparently.

Almost makes you wonder what's next. My guess: smaller naturals. But they'll be able to fake those, too....

Return of the Pointy Breasts

Given that the #1 source of hits on this site persist in being the pictures of Faith Domergue and Janet Leigh--poor Carole Landis can't get no love--and the phrase "pointy breasts" or "pointed breasts", I thought I would continue into this fascinating anthropological phenomenon.

Submitted for your approval: Clare Grant

Clare Grant is a relatively little known actress whose website pictures focus on her beautiful and haunting eyes. You can see a particularly breathtaking shot at this photographer's site which hints at...well, the conical glands that are the focus of so much internet interest.

But we don't have to guess (and a Google image with safe-search off will reveal) because the lovely Ms. Grant appears more or less starkers in the second season "Masters of Horror" episode, "Valerie on the Stairs". (You can find those pix on the web if you're so inclined as well.)

One of the things the MoH series does well is bring back that kind-of-erotic-but-mostly-creepy nudity that made VCRs so popular in the '80s. Ms. Grant's loveliness is contrasted with her demon-sex-scenes in the Clive Barker tale of writers' imaginations gone amok. It's an okay episode of the generally less interesting second season, but it's made infinitely more watchable by this young actress.

EDIT: Shortly before I posted this, someone actually did surf here for the Carole Landis picture! But Leigh and Domergue are battling out for the majority of the hits. (I refuse to make the obvious rhyme here.)

Newsflash: Breasts Always Good For Hits

I've been getting a lot of hits for "pointy breasts".

Not all that surprising, except that I'd forgotten I'd written that entry. So I was a bit shocked to see people coming here after googline "torpedo shaped breasts".

Thanks for the mammaries.

I joked with Trooper York about doing an ongoing series on breast shapes over history, but it'd be hard to deny I'd get more hits than I normally do if I went that route. Hey, Althouse created one of her most notorious posts by mixing breasts with politics. (I'm sorry, but I laugh every single time I see that picture.)

But I suppose if I said Warren G. Harding was a boob, I wouldn't get the same reaction.

Busty--er, busy

I've been too busy to post here much this week, but I thought we could extend our "pointy breast" studies with the anomalous Edy Williams.

Edy turned 18 in 1960, which is at the tail end of the pointy breast era. In fact, I stumbled across this picture by sheer accident, but I remembered her from such classic films as--well, a bunch of movies she wasn't in because I had mixed her up with someone else.

She was in Russ Meyer's Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls, though, which Siskel & Ebert named as one of the 10 best of the year. (Ebert wrote the script.) She was married to Russ for five years.

Anyway, most of the pix of her show quite clearly that she doesn't have pointy breasts at all, but you wouldn't know that looking at the bikini shot here. I don't know the precise date of this shot, but it would have to be at the tail-end of the pointy breast phenomenon.

Edy never really made it big in Hollywood, despite her enormous talents, and she went from a TV regular in her youth to novelty nudie in the '80s and '90s. IMDB lists her last film as being a porn in 1995. (A little advice from Kitten Natividad: Porn isn't really a good career choice at 53, no matter how good looking you were at 23.)

Bit Maelstrom: Tops in Tops and Bottoming Out

As you should know, this blog is the king of the pointy breast. The dominant searches that lead to this site are for "pointy breasts".

But the Bit Maelstrom is #1 for this search as well:

dow jones usually over 10,000 november 2008

Breasts & Bucks here at the Bit.

You Love The '80s, Apparently!

Although pointy breasts remain a strong influence on my traffic--and how sad is that, given that I haven't pointed to a breast in months?--there's a lot of love for the Friday The 13th Part 2 review and my "Betsy Russell Gets A Cramp" post.

Apparently, a lot of people can't figure out what the hell happened to Paul at the end of F13-2. Sorry, guys: Nothing. He just vanishes. They only wanted one survivor, I guess, and, I dunno, ran out of film or something.

As for the latter reference, well, I'd guess a lot of guys from the '80s know that movie and remember that scene. (Even if it would make Freeman Hunt laugh derisively.)

I actually do have a pointy breast picture worth posting, but I think I want to put it "below the fold" as they say, lest anyone be offended. (I can't imagine who would be, it's so silly, but I think it's rude to pop up with a questionable image. Most people seem to read this blog at work.)

Pointy Breasts From Beyond The Outer Limits!

It's been a long time since I had a genuine pointy-breast post--something I think we can all agree this blog is the lesser for--and I found a pair where I least expected them. I never watched the original "Outer Limits" series, but with the new digital signals, we get the THIStv channel which shows an assortment of old movies and TV shows--including "The Outer Limits".

So I set the ol' MythTV to record them and finally got around to watching an episode called "ZZZZZ", which is the story of a queen bee who takes human form. This, naturally being a draining transformation, causes her to swoon on the lawn of a bee scientist.

And behold:
And behold again. Rebehold? Er, behold twice?

It was a strange episode. Or, I don't know, maybe it was completely characteristic of the show. Having only seen one episode, I cannot say. (I did watch the '90s series, though, on Showtime, and liked it.)

It was also kind of cool that the actress, Joanna Frank, was someone I had seen before, in the much later series "L.A. Law". As it turns out, she's TV mogul Steven Bochco's sister, and was actually married to Alan Rachins, whose wife (then, ex-wife, I believe) she played on that show!

She did a good job as the weird bug-person, and also had a slightly unusual beauty that suited the role.

Here's a picture of her about to enjoy some pollen. (I'm not good at screen-caps yet, but these turned out pretty well!)

I shall view more "Outer Limits" in the hopes of finding more specimens of mammaris conniculus. Note that the above are from '64 or '65, and so are the latest of that era we've yet found!

The New Bond Girls: Pointy and Rounded

We're #1! The Maelstrom is now #1 in Google if you search for "pointy breasts"! And they said I'd never amount to anything.

Eva Green (left, and below depending on how you've got your browser scaled) played Vesper in Casino Royale, with the retro breast shape that made this blog famous!

Still, Olga Kurylenko (right) is all kinds of cute in Quantum of Solace.

Bond actually manages a sort-of platonic relationship with Olga in Solace.

Bit Maelstrom's Greatest Hit?

Far-and-away the #1 hit I get on this blog is for this image of Faith Domergue.

Yeah, that's right, not even for the entry, just for the picture. Probably 10-20% of the people who hit this blog hit it through a Google Image search...for what? Pointy breasts, I imagine, though the link tells me nothing.

The equally obscure Gloria Grahame is probably #2.

I just got a hit on Janet Leigh, who (as queen of the anointed pointed) really should be tops, just given her relative fame. But Faith, for whatever reason, comes up earlier in the image search, and so has rocketed ahead of the plucky, perky Leigh.

Jane Russell shows up fairly often, because search engines don't get irony. I don't believe I've ever gotten a hit on Lauren Bacall, but probably because she's such a legend a zillion sites come up ahead of mine.

I've gotten a couple on Clare Grant, who doesn't appear on a pointy breasted search, but more often than Edy Williams. The two Lindsays come up hardly at at all, even less than my beloved, neglected Carole Landis. The buxom pixie Audrey Tatou gets nary a hit.

It all adds up to me staying up too late on a Saturday night/Sunday morning. (You should know that I'm not exaggerating however. My last ten hits were four for faith, and one each for Jane and Janet, and the four remaining were: Greta Gerwig, mentioned in my Baghead review, my review of Cinematic Titanic's Oozing Skull, Tiffany Shepis in Tooth and Nail, and a link from a blogger thing that allows you to see who's changed their blogs recently.

Astounding.

Weekend Workshop: Making Pointy Breasts

I hope you've all paid your registration in advance, so that we can get going Saturday morning without a lot of paperwork.

Remember to bring several empty toilet paper rolls, some wire, and a turtleneck that's slightly too small.

Kelly takes on John Adams

My pal Kelly has a nice entry on John Adams up, comparing the book and the movie, looking at historical accuracy, etc.

Check it out! I'm going over there now to comment myself.

Loaded Questions is what you call an "up and coming" blog. She's got a nice niche interviewing authors, and she'll turn it into a major hot spot in no time.

The Maelstrom, on the other hand, is more of a swamp blog. The only thing buoying it are the occasional pairs of pointy breasts.

Mammoth-ries?

Regular readers (both of you) will know I've decided to defy the demand for pointy breasts, last week with Jane Russell's magnificence(s), and this week with the lovely Carole Landis.

A rather tragic figure, Landis appeared in an early blog post here about Turnabout. Her comedic work in that movie is marvelous, aping John Hubbard's (exaggerated) masculinity, often while in this flowing nightrobe that displayed her femininity (insofar as movies of the time were so allowed).

However, Miss Landis' breakthrough role was in the original One Million Years B.C., also for yukmeister Hal Roach. For better or worse, her performance here has long been over-shadowed by Racquel "fuzzy britches" Welch's in the remake.

Nonetheless, it seems fairly clear that Landis' talent (to say nothing of her talents) was squandered.

Landis' co-lug for B.C. was the large-headed Victor Mature (whose only excuse for his name is tht he was born with it). Landis and Mature would later star with Betty Grable in the proto-noir I Wake Up Screaming.

The Anderson Tapes

TCM aired a rare Sean Connery movie called The Anderson Tapes on Friday. (I think it's sort of become "rare" recently; it may have been a TV staple in pre-cable days.) I tuned in late, so I didn't watch it much, but I had to stop because I saw Christoper Walken as "the Kid".

He really did look like a kid, too, though he was in is late 20s. And then I saw Dyan Cannon, who was one of my earliest movie crushes. There's only seven years between them but Sean was letting his baldiness come through--which actually just makes him cooler, in my opinion.

As clinical matter, keeping with the theme of this blog, I feel obliged to point out that Ms. Cannon has not ever had the pointy breasts.

By the way, Dyan Cannon was married for a short time to Cary Grant. If you're a Cary Grant fan (as I am), you probably don't want to know about this, since it reveals a much less glamorous Grant than his impossibly suave persona.

But they had a kid, his only and her only, I think. She is, as you might imagine, quite good looking, and has her mother's smile:

Milestone: 5,000 visits

Last Wednesday, apparently, I passed the 5,000 mark for visitors on this blog.

There's been a slow build over time that's less influenced by the spikes that come from references on other blogs, so while this 5,000 took six months, the next five may only take four.

So, thanks for reading. Even if you do just come here looking for pointy breasts.

Also, careful with those, they'll take an eye out.

Speaking of Ebb and Flow

The Bit Maelstrom readership is way down. No comments on Taylon Doon at all. Post-election blues? Economic worries? I don't know. Pointy breasts, like large penis, are always welcome*.

And yet.

Ah, well.

I've spun off a new blog, very technical, very programming heavy. I'm not really putting my technical stuff here at the 'strom. There's probably not a huge crossover between here and there.

I may devote another blog (why not, it's not like they cost anything) to writing, art and music. Not commentary on, but actual items. Commentary I'll keep here.



*That's what Atia (Polly Walker) said in "Rome" and I have no reason to think she was lying.

Blog Rush

I put the Blog Rush widget in (it's on the right, scroll down) at the urging of Kelly. So far it's gotten me about one hit. She said it just kicked in for her, so maybe in a day or two I'll see something from it.

It's the pointy breasts, though. Apparently, that's what life is all about.

Actually, more seriously, it's the peculiar combination of words that gets hits. I also get hits off of "oil milkshake", for example. From my recent mention of MST3K, I get hits off of "Normal view".

I also get a lot of hits on "male full frontal nudity", but don't expect me to start putting penises on this page.

The weirdest one I get is "canine spinal tap malpractice" someone with a page that mentioned "canine malpractice" linked to a post of mine referencing "Spinal Tap".

It's not likely I'll be putting dog surgery pix up any time soon.

More like than penises, still.

Not The Lindsay Wagner You're Looking For

In my post conflating racial equality with fashion embarrassment, I mentioned that Valerie Harper and Lindsay Wagner were among the rare few to survive '70s styles more-or-less unscathed. (Trooper York chimed in that the "Rhoda" look was making a comeback, with the headscarves and the like.)

But I started getting hits on "Lindsay Wagner", which seemed sort of like a cool change, now that I've been on the front page of the "pointy breasts" search in Google for so many months. "Maybe," I thought, "we'll get a higher class of perv around this dump."

But I suspect that the recent hits were not for '70s fashion maven and all around classy 60-year-old former bionic woman:

but in fact, for oh-my-god-she-was-born-the-year-"Die Hard"-came-out, Playboy Playmate Lindsay Wagner:

So the search for relevance and class goes on, in all the wrong places.

This Island Faith

The old MST3K movie, based on This Island Earth has been on cable lately. It stars the lovely Faith Domergue at her pointiest:


(What can I say? The pointy breasts, they drive my traffic! And Faith was not well-endowed, but that didn't stop them from trying to mold them into flesh torpedoes.)

Anyway, the movie was made after MST3K had passed its prime, with Joel having left at the beginning of the previous season, and TV's Frank leaving before the movie was shot. And the show had just been canceled off Comedy Central, and not yet picked up on Sci-Fi.

It doesn't use the wonderfully concise expository theme song and Dr. Forrester looks horribly lonely all by himself without a minion to abuse. (Trace Beaulieu would leave at the end of the following season, I believe.) Tom Servo swears a few times and answers the vital question: Would the show be funnier if it didn't have to adhere to TV language and content rules? (Answer: No.)

At the time, it seemed like a moderately good episode. Not great.

It holds up very well, however. The only really severely dated stuff is a reference to John Sununu. It features some classic lines, which will probably make you smile if you've ever seen it, and scratch your head if you haven't:

Crow: Somebody sneezed on the credits!

Crow: The earth is exactly as we left it: With the USA in charge!

All: Normal view! Normal VIEW! NORMAL VIEW! NORMAL VIEEEEEWWW!!

Crow: Industry, Science and Technology!
Tom Servo: Big men sticking screw drivers into things, turning them and adjusting them.
Crow T. Robot: Build your very own Atom Storage Box!
Mike: Bringing you state-of-the-art in soft-serve technology!
Crow T. Robot: Removes lids off bottles and jars of all sizes - and it really, really works.

It's also got solid sketches, with Crow trying to tunnel to earth, Mike crashing the satellite into the Hubble ("I'm fully rated for Microsoft Flight Simulator") and the Interositer service call ("Are you in Europe? Do you need an adapter?").

This sort of humor is often very dated, with a shelf life akin to buttermilk. But this one seems better over time.

That may be because the latest Cinematic Titanic shows were delayed by the writer's strike. Nah, it's still gold. I gotta be honest: When I first saw MST3K, I liked the riffs and thought the whole puppet show was sorta stupid. As time passed, though, I realized that, besides being funny, the sketches gave a greater sense of character to the proceedings.

I hope they can manage something like that with CT.