Conversations From The Living Room, Part 35: These Aren't The Applicants You're Looking For

"How does that not-the-droid-you're-looking-for thing work? Some kinda Jedi/Force thing?"
"Yeah. But it only works on the weak-minded. Er, originally."
"So, Darth Vader's incompetent at hiring people?"
"What?"
"Well...stormtroopers?"
"I don't think he's actually down in HR screening the applicants."
"..."
"Don't think about it. Down that road lies nerd-dom."

Conversations From The Living Room, Part 34: Beating a dead War Horse

"OK, so here's another problem with War Horse."
"I'm pretending to be interested."
"The main character?"
"Yeah?"
"It's a horse!"
"And?"
"Well, in a dramatic narrative, you want the main character to go through changes. To be different in the end than in the beginning."
"..."
"And maybe Joey did change from the beginning of the story to the end. But, you know, he's a horse. It's not like he can tell us."
"..."
"And, maybe what he decided was that the Germans had the right idea. He went into the war being pro-English but came out primed to support The Fourth Reich."
"..."
"I mean, Germans saved him a couple of times! The English sent him to charge against machine guns! We could be viewing this movie all wrong: It might be a demonstration of how Nazi horses are made! Wait, where are you going? You can't rule out this exegesis just because it makes you uncomfortable!"
"..."
"Stupid Nazi horses."

Conversations From The Living Room, Part 33: Lady Gaga Need Not Apply

Me: I'm just the way God made me!
The Barb: God made you like that?

Conversations From The Living Room, Part 31: Never Mind!

Flower (to her brother): "Shut up!"

Barbarienne (echoes): "Yeah! Shut up!"

The Boy (to the Barb): "I can eat you."

Barbarienne: "Oh. Never mind, then."

Conversations From The Living Room, Part 30: You know, I don't remember!

"I recorded My Dinner With André!"

"What's it about?"

"It's two guys having dinner."

"Sounds boring."

"It does! But I really liked it--and I was The Boy's age when I saw it."

"Well, what did they eat?"

". . ."

Conversations From The Living Room, Part 29: Stacy And Clinton's Revenge

"Dr. Girlfriend can really wear a deep V."

"Quoth The Flower. For context, she watches a lot of "What Not To Wear" and has lately been on a "Venture Bros" kick. Dr. Girlfriend typically wears a pink minidress and pillbox hat (imagine a "Sexy Jackie Kennedy" Halloween outfit, or just look here, though she doesn't know who Jackie O is) but since she married arch-villain The Monarch, she thought she should wear a new outfit as Dr. Mrs. The Monarch.

She then went back to counting all the gay characters in the show. My pride in her was only reflected in my shame over my parenting skills in letting her watch the wildly inappropriate show.

Theological Thoughts

"You know, a lot of Christians talk about how bad-ass Jesus was driving moneychangers from the Temple?"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah! But--I mean, we're talking about a bunch of Jewish bankers! I could do that with my legs broke and a bad case of mono."

"No, you're thinking about it wrong."

"How so?"

"You're thinking pin-striped suit financial eggheads."

"Yeah!"

"Think loan sharks. Lots and lots of loan sharks with enforcers to boot."

"Word."

"That's what they say."

Conversations From The Living Room, Part 28: I'm a Genius!

[The Barb is wearing her shirt backwards and her grandpa stops her.]

"You're wearing your shirt backwards!"

"I know! I like it!"

[He tugs her pocket]

"And I guess people behind you could slip stuff into your pocket!"

"No, they can't!"

"Why not?"

"'cause I'm a genius!"

"..."

"..."

"What does genius mean?"

"That's when you sneak and hide and jump out at people!"

"..."

"..."

"You mean, you're a ninja?"

"Yeah!"

Signs of the Times, Part III: Inhale, Exhale (repeat as needed)

[On the inside of a hotel shower.]

"To prevent scalding, adjust thermostat before entering shower."

Conversations From The Living Room, Part 27: Notify The Proper Authorities

[The Barbarienne has had her "green drink"—a gawdawful juicing of leafy green vegetables—after which she gets a small portion of chips as a reward. But she had to run off to ballet class before she could eat them. She has come home from ballet, expecting her chips.]

"Give me my chips."

"I'm sorry! It's too close to dinner."

"Give me my chips!"

"You can have them with dinner. I don't want you to spoil your appetite."
"..."

[The Barb walks away.]

[15 minutes pass.]

[The Barb comes back.]

"Give me my chips or I'll call the police."

Conversations From The Living Room, Part 26: Why I Hate "Go Diego Go"

Me: "Old McDonald had a farm."
Me & The Barb: "Ee-Eye-Ee-Eye-Oh!"
Me: "And on this farm he had a ..."
The Barb: "..."
Me: "..."
The Barb: "Leatherback Sea Turtle."

Conversations From Somone Else's Living Room: Enforcing Household Dogma

"Mom, we hate the Yankees."
"..."
"They buy their World Series wins."
"But I don't hate this Yankees team."
"We hate them all."

(Reprinted with permission. You can guess which regular's living room this took place in.)

Crash Blossom's Revenge

"Oh, look, it's a kid's free day at the zoo!"
"What a great idea! Now we can enjoy the zoo without all those little brats running around screaming!"
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Oh, it means kids get in free, doesn't it."
"..."
"That's good, too."

Conversations From The Living Room, Part 25: 2nd Grade Poli Sci

The Boy: "You're a racist!"
The Flower: "I am not! My best friend is black!"
The Boy: "Yes, but you oppose a black President."
The Flower: "I oppose the black President."
The Boy: "That makes you racist!"
[The Flower rolls her eyes.]

The Boy was teasing The Flower, as he often does, and she was tolerating it, as she often does, but I have to admit, I was not expecting her response to "you oppose a black President". I expected her to say she didn't oppose him. (At eight, I can't imagine being too opposed to any politician but then, my children are unlike me in many ways.) I was also mightily impressed by her distinction between the articles "a" and "the".

I think she really liked Sarah Palin. (Actually, she was a little concerned that Palin would take her spot as first female President.)

But I think from now on I'm adopting the "eye roll" rebuttal to any accusations of racism.

Conversations From The Living Room, Part 24: The Barbarienne Vs. Educational Television

"Help us find the strawberries!"
"No."

Conversations From The Living Room, Part 23: Bad Taste Theater Presents....

[watching "Red Eye"'s story on Michael Vick shirts]
"I don't want a Michael Vick jersey."
"..."
"Oh, wait, they have them for kids!"
"..."
"They have them for dogs!!!!"
"..."
"We should totally get Michael Vick shirts for the dogs."
"No."
"No?"
"We should totally get Michael Vick shirts for the cats."
"Touché."

Poker Night

"What if you have powers of 2?"
"..."
"You know: 2, 4, 8..."
"Oh, you totally win if you finish that with a 16 and 32."
"..."
"..."
"Can I borrow a Sharpie?"
"No."

Conversations From The Living Room, Part 22: OK, Now Mime Being Dead

[When I come out, The Flower is miming. Nobody knows why she does this or how she learned all the mime tropes, but some days she just wakes up and has to mime everything, as well as do the "trapped in a box", "walking in the wind", and so on.

The Barbarian, naturally, finds this irritating and is ordering her to stop. The Flower also intuitively knows that the first rule of miming which is: If you're irritating, you know you're doing it right.]
The Barb: "Stop! Stop doing that! Stop!"
[I wiggle the Barb's toes.]
The Barb: "Hey, let go of my toe!"
Me: "Feeling bossy today?"
The Barb: [looking surprised] "ME, TOO!"

Conversations From The Living Room, Part 21: What, me, contrary?

Me: How about we watch Lilo and Stitch?
The Barbarienne: I hate that movie!
Me: You've never seen it!
The Barbarienne: I hate it!
[I cue it up anyway. The Barb watches entranced.]
[Half-way through.]
Me: So, do you like this movie?
[She shakes her head "No."]
[Movie ends.]
Me: Do you still hate this movie?
[She nods.]
Me: Should we watch it again?
[She nods.]

Conversations From The Living Room, Part 20: Lord of the Flies

[the Barbarienne has something cupped in her hand]
...
"This is my pet fly!"
[I lean in. She does indeed have a fly in her hand.]
"You do!"
"His name is Jeremy."
...
"Jeremy loves me. Jeremy hates you."
...
"No, Jeremy loves you."
"Good?"